I wanna learn about the world. I wanna surprise myself. I wanna be important. I wanna be the best person I can be. I wanna define myself instead of having others define me. I wanna win and have people be happy for me. I wanna lose and get over it. I wanna not be afraid of the unknown. I wanna grow up to be generous and big hearted, the way that people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life.

There was a moment near the end of episode 12 of season 3 of Friday Night lights where Tyra is reading her college application essay out loud and the above quot is a part of that. I love this portion because it not only echoes so much of what I want for my own life, but it is what I believe we should all want for ourselves and each other. We should want to become part of this world. See it. Understand it. Love it. We should want to do things we never thought we could. Do things that make us stop and look in a mirror and say, ‘how the hell am I able to do this!’ We need to strive to mean something; both to ourselves and to others. To be the best person we are capable of being. To spend our life creating and forming our being into the person we want to be; never letting other people decide who we are or what we are made to do. Be strong enough to not care when things don’t go our way and have that solid support system behind us when we do. To always do things that scare and challenge us and never back away from something because it is new or foreign. The qualities that are expressed in this quote are what I believe are key to being a successful person in this world. The most beautiful thing about it, in my opinion, is that it recognizes that we can’t do this alone. We need people who love and support us behind us at all times. I hope I can be that person to any one who reads this post, and I pray to God that I have some great people lining up behind me for my successes and failures in the years to come.

Go Forth!

MJ

I should also mention I have lost ALL contacts since my return of the Land of Thai, so if you want to hang out you will have to do most of the legwork since I have no contact list and no facebook. And although the media wants you to believe that it is really easy for stalkers [like me] to find personal details about ya’ll on the internet, I can tell you it ain’t that easy…. SO text me, or email me. Because I probably will have to do a lot of work to find any of you…!

Go Forth!

MJ

I’ve been back in the good ole USofA for a a little over a week now and it’s actually been a pretty great experience thus far.

I’ve spent the last 9 days meeting up with about 5 people who I still keep in touch with in the Bay Area and catching up with them.

One night last week I was sitting on my friend Lisa Walker’s porch in downtown San Jose and realized that her and I had known each other since 3rd grade. That means we met when I was 7 years old. I have known her since I was SEVEN. That is ridiculous. We split a bottle of wine, which then turned into me rummaging through her fridge to return with 2 Mike’s Hard Lemonades, which then turned into me find an old bottle of Butterscotch Schnapps (which after one taste we both decided was a horrible idea and decided to quit drinking), which turned into me not feeling 100% confident in my driving skills, so I crashed at casa-Lisa for the night. But what was crazy about the night was that at one point I just looked at her and soaked in the moment. The crazy moment that was happening. After 16 years of friendship (with random years in Junior High and High School of not really speaking) here we found ourselves on a porch in the city we grew up in, talking about life over a bottle of wine. Who would have ever thought that would have happened? Even crazier, and don’t take this the wrong way Lisa because you know I love you very much, but who would have thought it would be me and Lisa!?

The same year, maybe even the same day, I met Lisa I met another guy who later became one of my best friends. We shared more memories and talks than the majority of people I have known and also have 16 years of friendship behind us, but the last time I can remember having a talk comparable to Lisa and I’s would probably have been last decade sometime. Our lives took different turns, we went down different paths and now don’t find ourselves in the same place very often or in contact for years at a time.

There are, literally, dozens of friendships that fall into the above category. People I have lost touch with. Some I admit I am at fault for, some I do not; but regardless when I look at pictures from when I was 7 all the way to pictures taken a month ago, I am bombarded with images of friendships that have withered over the years. It is constantly happening. We can’t help it. People change, lives change, friendships change - and a lot of times all those changes leave us reminiscing on friendships that are gone.

The most awesome thing about it is when you find yourself hanging out with people and realizing that through all the changes you have gone through, your friendship is intact. That was what was so great about the moment on the porch with Lisa. 16 years of friendship and we were sitting on a porch laughing about the most random things that happened 5 years ago, as we spit out butterscotch flavored schnapps.

Those are the most incredible moments.

My life is so full of lost friendships that I have really come to cherish the moments where I just stop and think, Wow, I am so glad this friendship made it.

This trip home has given me so many of those.

I sat on Nicole’s bed flipping through yearbooks reading what I wrote to her every year. Except Junior year which for some reason I never signed. Things I wrote ranged from “You’re hot” to “I used to think you were snotty” to “JSB will be so much fun with you.” The progression was hilarious. I even made an astute observation in the senior yearbook that, “If I were to tell 7th grade me that I would be taking Nicole Morris to Senior JSB [our version of prom] I would shoot myself.” I know what you’re thinking. Wow, Mike. So Poetic. You’ve always had a way with the ladies. And I would respond, Yes. Yes, I have. But here we are, 23 years old, laughing at what I wrote to her in SIX yearbooks. We were reading words that I wrote to someone in the year 2000. And here we still are, laughing about random crap.

We were talking about how much we’ve changed as we’ve grown up and it’s really sad when you find yourself in conversations with people and you have nothing in common anymore. You realize that you’ve outgrown a friendship. But then again, there have been so many times that I have found myself in conversations this past week where I am so overwhelmed with happiness at how both of us have changed into people who love each other even more with age.

My buddy Steven, who has been like a little brother to me ever since I TA’d his 6th grade class and I had our very first discussion about politics in his pickup truck after my car broke down at his house. He was 11 when we met. Now he is driving me around and we are debating conservatism vs. liberalism. As I drove away [my car eventually started] I stopped in front of his driveway and called him over and told him that I think out of all the years of great conversations this was, by far, my favorite talk we had ever had and I was so happy with both how he had grown up and how our relationship had changed. We have been close for years, but out of every conversation we have ever had, that night was one of the most honest and open conversations I have had with anyone, especially with Steven. Our relationship has only gotten stronger with time.

This trip home has made me realize how many friends I have whose bonds with are stronger than ever. As I constantly feel friendships withering with time it is such a great change to have a moment in a close friends presence where you are just completely ecstatic with where your relationship is. I have taken to actually recognizing those moments out loud. Just stopping and being like, ‘did you ever think that this would be happening when we met _____ years ago?!?’ And it is always met with a, “No!” Not that we didn’t think we would still be friends, but statistically, the chances of our friendships making it is pretty low. Maybe that has something to do with me, that my friendships usually have an expiration date on them; regardless of the reason I think it is one of the best feelings in the world when you have that moment of clarity and joy with another person.

I hope I have a few more of those over the next few weeks, as I make me way down south to reunite with some old friends, and I’m sure I will. I know there will be a lot of encounters which end with a, ‘wow, how were we ever close…’ but I am searching for those few that end with a, ‘I am so damn lucky to have you in my life.’ Those are the people I’m on the lookout for…. So answer your cell phones, you may just get a taste of some butterscotch schnapps…

Go Forth!

MJ

This quote was from the season 1 finale of Madmen. It’s about Nostalgia and it’s beautiful:

Nostalgia - it’s delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound.” It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel. It let’s us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.

I’ve had some pretty incredible experiences in my life, but I would have to say shaking the hand of the Prime Minister of Thailand ranks pretty freaking high. Granted it was for about 1 second during a procession down the street during the Songkran festival, I still think making eye contact and saying, ‘Sa Wat Dee Krap!’ and getting a ‘Sa Wat Dee Ka!’ back from someone who is the LEADER of Thailand is pretty freaking incredible. Saying we “met” is probably a bit of an overstatement, but regardless…I will take whatever I can get!

Unfortunately, I looked like this during our meeting…

I spent the last 11 days in Northern Thailand and had one of those experiences that completely rejuvenates you as a person. I should be use to God’s sense of humor by now, but I’m not. Let me explain.

In Utah, I had relatively few close friends and found myself pretty ready to depart the state for good until a weekend camping trip to Moab - which to this day is one of the best trips I have ever taken. It was 14 of us just camping, hiking, camp-firing, etc. It was one of those trips that just makes you stop and realize, ‘Wow this life is pretty incredible.’

Well, it has happened again. I have made no secret as to my love/hate relationship with Bangkok. On the love side was my apartment, my free time to pursue reading/classic films/swimming/gym time, my job and students, the city as a whole. On the hate side was the fact that I would say I had about 4 friends. Now to me, someone who has realized his happiness is very dependent on those he is surrounded by, this was emotionally draining. But all of that was erased in the North.

I credit this to the fact that I was reunited with my good friend Matt. Matt and I took our TEFL class together in Phuket and [although he will disagree] got along famously. Originally I was going to leave Chiang Mai after a few days to head back to Bangkok, but I ended up staying for 8 days. Part of this was because Songkran festival was completely wild. Seriously an experience that everyone needs to have in their life at least once. The entire country erupts in a huge water gun fight that is half complete madness and half complete dance party fun. I have few words to describe this online, so if you want to know more about Songkran, ask me in person. It is incredible.

But the experience as whole reminded me of why I wanted to live and travel abroad. Within the first hour of meeting up with Matt we were at a bar discussing such light topics as the existence of love and whether we had become the type of person we had wanted to be when we came to Thailand. Who does that!? I know I have few friends that I have such open honest conversations with - especially after not seeing each other for 6 months.

The next 5 days were just a combination of amazing fun and great conversations. Reuniting with old friends and meeting new ones. Most nights were spent sitting at a table just joking around and comparing notes as teachers/travellers from the last 6 months.

And the days were spent attacking people with water guns and being completely drenched to the point that we actually feltcold.A feeling none of us had felt since being in Thailand…

It was a crazy 11 days but it was the perfect mix of old and new friends and amazing memories with both.

Here is a picture of me with my two new Norwegian friends who are awesome. And they will be my hosts when I visit Oslo at some point in the near future. They were also both at least 6 inches taller than me, which is why they are hoisting me in the air…

And if you notice that I am wearing the same shirt in most of these pictures, it is because I only brought my camera out on the last night of my trip. Realized I had no pictures to remember my friends by and the fact that I don’t have a Facebook makes it practically impossible to expect I will ever see the photos others have taken…

Basically the week and half surpassed all expectations and reminded me of the kind of people I need to surround myself with. I’ve begun journaling pretty often to keep the overly emotional/deep posts from appearing on this blog, but one thought I had in my blog that I wanted to share is this:

I think that when we are growing up it is important to learn to be independent and make choices based on what you want to do, not rely on others to make the big decisions for you. You need to be your own person and every choice you make will be creating the person you are to become.

You need to listen to that little voice inside your head telling you what is important to you and what kind of life you want to lead. It is beyond important to listen to that voice in you, it has led me to some of the most amazing experiences and people I could ever hope to meet.

BUT the realization I had in Chiang Mai is that once you are in touch with that person [which thankfully I believe I finally am] and you know what kind of life you want to lead and what choices will fulfill you, you need to begin to consider relationships when you make choices.

I loved my time in Bangkok and IN NO WAY regret it, but as I told Matt in one of our many talks that would make others present uncomfortable, if I were to go back in time I probably would have chosen to stay and work in Phuket. Knowing the kind of friendships I would have made and the opportunities I would have had makes me think that I may have grown more as a person if I had chosen to surround myself with friends that I already knew were true.

I’ve come to the point in my life where I realize that it’s not a weakness to consider others in the pursuit of your dreams.

In TV/movies we always see people giving up their dreams because of a love that ends up not lasting; or growing to resent someone because they were the cause of missed opportunities. And maybe I can only make this statement because I have made so many choices without regard to friendships, and had the experiences [both good and bad] because I went off on my own to find who I would be without that support system; but now that I have seen who I am in all those different situations I think I am much more comfortable making life choices, so long as they are still things I truly want to do, with others input and even altering those decisions to include those I love.

I said to Matt that in the future I think if it were an option between moving to [just an example] Egypt or South America, both things I would love to do, but I had a good friend who preferred one of those and would come if I went, then I would choose to follow the dream that included someone else. I would embark on a new experience with a friend over doing it on my own. Not saying I won’t embark on adventures alone, because I most certainly will, especially if no friends are ready to jump on board; but if there is someone who wants to come, I am at the point that I am far more willing to alter life plans to include people who make me happy. I gain more from experiences when I have someone I value and values me. It adds to an experience, it rarely detracts. My happiness is somewhat dependent on those I am surrounded by. I used to see this as a weakness, but it’s not. It’s just a part of me that I know now and I need to pay attention to.

I loved my time in Bangkok and would never take it back, but knowing the relationships I had in Phuket, and imagining how they would have grown, in an alternate universe where I was given the exact same choice again [and I had already experienced choosing BKK] I would choose Phuket. I would gain more from having an adventure surrounded by people who make me better, than toughing through an experience alone.

And again I can only say this because I’ve been on both sides. I left California after graduation to travel and explore. Great decision. In no way regret it. I needed the adventure, and still do. I never want to give up adventures and travels because of something/someone HOLDING ME BACK. But sometimes others are actually pushing you forward, possibly in different ways and towards different things we don’t even realize. I think we all owe it to ourselves to pursue those courses as well. We all need to find whats important to us, and find ourselves loving every beautiful day we have here. 

I think I understand the movies where people give up things for someone they love. I used to think that was stupid, always. Now I guess I can admit it maybe right, SOMETIMES.

I hope that makes sense. If not, ask me about it. I will talk your ear off. Here are a few more pictures from my time in Chiang Mai. Enjoy!

Unbelievable sidewalk art on the streets of Chiang Mai.

Matt has awkwardly large hands…

All of us with our squirt guns. We held down the fort well, and protected the Thai ladies shops in exchange for cheap beer…

Roongrawee September 2011 —> Chiang Mai April 2012

[Disclaimer: I do not, and never have or will, smoke cigarettes. There is one above my ear because of a debate over hipsters and that was a means to an end.]

Yes, I lit someones cigarette. Sue me.

I take artsy pictures on the streets of Chiang Mai…

We’ve had the time of our lives. No it never felt like this before…

Go Forth!

MJ

Sometimes I post things in here that I later realize really belong more in some sort of private journal rather than on my blog, but oh well. Hope you enjoyed some inner thoughts of mine!

As I was walking around Pai today I kept trying to decide whether the spark I have for traveling has burned out or not. In some ways I find myself really tired of it. Tired of the moving, the traveling, the seeing, the experiencing, and all the rest that comes with traveling. It’s a really strange feeling to just feel burnt out on traveling, something I have defined myself by for so long. I think there have been a lot of things that have happened over the past few months that have led me to this place that I find myself in. In a lot of ways my expectations for my time in Thailand were really far off, and in a lot of ways I have just changed so much from the person I thought I was, or at least would be while in Thailand.

I don’t know why any of the changes in my have happened, and can’t even pin point a moment where they happened, but over time they have just spiraled and I have found myself as a person I am quite unfamiliar with.

The first big change I have seen in myself is how much time I spend alone. As someone who always loved being surrounded by people, I spend a remarkable amount of time alone. The oddest thing about it is that I have come to enjoy it. Sometimes when I am out traveling all I want to do is go back to my apartment and hang out. The idea of being removed from my comfort zone has become much more difficult than it ever was before. I know in some ways living in a huge city in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language is an interesting thing to refer to as acomfort zone, but it has. This is the part of me that I am, by far, most confused with. There have been a lot of things that have formed this frame of mind that I am constantly trying to come to terms with.

I think one of the major things is that I never really found a core group of people in Bangkok. I have friends, people who I genuinely enjoy spending time with, but all through my life I have always had a core group of people to rely on; and that never happened for me in Bangkok. In some ways it was good because I was forced to (a) remain attached to people back in the states and (b) it forced me to be much more independent that I am used to being. If I wanted to go do things, I did them alone. I may send a text out to the 3 or 4 people in the city I was close with, but with varying schedules and interests, often times I was the only one available to do the things I wanted to do - so I found myself doing them alone. This was everything from eating out to traveling. I have had so many conversations over the past few months about traveling alone that it almost seems repetitive for me to recount my viewpoints here, but I will. Basically it comes down to two things, one good and one bad, and I think every individual needs to weigh the cost of each and decide what is most important to he or she. (1) When you travel alone you do what you want, when you want, and you are responsible to no one. When you want to move on, you do. When you feel like shit, you stay home. When you get annoyed with someone or something, you leave. This is true for traveling and living. Same same. (2) Traveling alone is lonely. Plain and simple. Some days it totally sucks to be alone in a hostel typing on a computer listening to your ‘high school mix’ and typing on tumblr. You are ever aware that you are on your own and you don’t have any sort of support system. If you were to go missing in the night, the only clue as to your existence would be a pile of things you left behind and possibly a fellow traveler who may (or may not) remember your name.

I think it is funny that people tell me how awesome it is that I ‘can’ travel alone because I see it less as a statement on my independent nature and more as a product of not having anyone available (or willing) to join me. I think we are all responsible for our own happiness to some extent and that is all I try to do. We all have a duty to ourselves to gives us the greatest chance at happiness, and we need to make choices that direct us toward that happiness. If I was to forgo traveling because I couldn’t find someone else who had the same crazy ideas I do I would not currently live in Thailand.

As I walked the streets of Pai today these thoughts tumbled through my mind as I attempted to search into my heart and see if I was even happy. Which then got me on a whole existential internal rant on what happiness is, which I will spare you, but something really funny happened that I want to share with you. Basically I was walking around thinking, wow I want to be back in Bangkok right now. I want to be swimming, or watching a movie, or going out with some friends to check out some sites I haven’t seen yet; I don’t want to be alone in Northern Thailand looking for a restaurant that will feed me for less than 5 USD. I thought how much more I would enjoy a lot of these experiences if I had someone to share them with, which I think is something most solo travelers realize at some point.

[Even saying that though I need to stress that life is not that simple and to take that statement to mean I wish I hadn’t done any of these trips or that I need someone else to enjoy a trip is NOT in ANY WAY what I am trying to say. Simply that I think it is easier, and sometimes more fulfilling, to share moments with people then constantly just internalize them. Sure I have hundreds of funny stories to tell, or interesting perspectives to share, but I don’t have the memories with a good friend that made us grow closer through a plethora of experiences. I grew closer to myself instead, which is not a bad thing at all.]

But, as I was thinking this, I sat down at a restaurant, ordered a mountain of food, and got on my computer. I skyped a friend from back home then walked around with a new lease on life. [Granted I have new leases on life every few hours (I seriously think I have some sort of mild-undiagnosed-bipolar disorder…)] I simply realized I am still doing something awesome. I am complaining about my life as I am walking around a small hippy town in Northern Thailand, where probably dozens of my friends wish they were. It’s easy to just adapt to a situation and then lose sight of what it is, and I think that is what has happened to me after entering my 8th month in Thailand.

I talk to backpackers on the train and I admire their excitement toward the adventure of life. They are entertained by the child staring at us on the train, they take pictures of monks, they look forward to elephant treks and they don’t mind paying 100 baht for friend race. It is these kind of things that you lose excitement for after awhile. Disillusionment comes and you start getting cynical and that is the enemy of happiness, in my opinion. I think it is good that I am getting ready to leave Asia for at least a few months because I see myself getting annoyed at things that used to excite me. The prospect of traveling no longer makes my heart beat faster from excitement but from anxiety. I canceled two trips because I had a realization in Sri Lanka that I was tired of traveling. I am tired of meeting new people every 2 days and going places that other people are finding more exciting than I am. I think I’ve been here too long to really be appreciating things fully, and that is really sad to me. I know the love of traveling and experiencing things will come back probably the moment I step off the plane at SFO but for now I feel like my expiration date has come. It is a really odd feeling but I think in a way it is really great that I am noticing it. That I am able to be honest with myself and be like, ‘hey, that thing you love and have spent the past 2 years forming your life around the love of - yeah you’re kind of over it right now. You need a break. You’re burnt out.’ It’s not homesickness, it’s not being tired of Thailand (or asia), it’s not even wanting to be in America - I think the showCheerssays it best, ‘Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name…’ and I think that is what I want in some ways. I am tired of always being surrounded by people whom I am building an image of myself for. I want to be around people who already have an image of me. Who know that I get really f**king pissed when people use the word’retarded’or that bragging about drinking, drugs and sex are not things that impress me in a person. I guess what I am saying (and literally figuring out as I write this) is that I am tired of being the only person who knows me. When I talk to people back home who I love and know love me it energizes me because there is a sort of familiarity there that I know isn’t going anywhere. I may come back changed in some ways, new ideas, new clothes, new dreams, but I don’t need to reinvent who I am for anyone. I don’t need to explain why I am a vegetarian, or how I am a ‘liberal christian’, or (my personal favorite) defend America…

All the changes I made in my life here that I think pointed me in a direction of being a better person just happened gradually. I stopped drinking because it was expensive, I didn’t do it often anyway, and it makes me feel like crap the next day. I starting swimming, going to the gym, walking as much as possible, reading daily, having conversations with as many random people as possible; all things that I wanted to do that I feel are pointing me in the direction of the person I want to be but it gets tiring doing it all without someone to bounce off ideas, grow and share with. Not that I need that person, or would even necessarily have made all the changes I have if they were present, but sometimes you can’t help wishing you had someone like that. I’ve gotten so use to being so mellow and I know that is not the person I am. I like to argue and yell and dance and sing and run around and be crazy, sometimes; so for all the great things that have come from these past few months I think there are a lot of things that have been stinted. Things that would have been fun to experience. Someone to share a lot of these experiences with. Although that would have required someone to follow me and my life choices and that is not really plausible to expect, but hey this is basically my journal that I just write so anyone who cares can read it. So there ya go. That is what I was thinking today in Pai. Oh and I probably want to head back to Bangkok earlier because as much as a relaxation the North is, I miss my Bangkok home.

Go Forth!

MJ